I am very adept at putting “normal” on my face and hiding my real self from most people. However, sometimes anxiety strikes me and I become overwhelmed with whatever it is that I am feeling overwhelmed about.
Why am I this way? This is how I feel…
It feels like so many people during my life have taken so many chunks of me that I am continually morphing into less of a person – mostly because the very same people that have taken those pieces, harshly judge me, causing me to feel that I am less – not worthy – and broken.
It feels like these particular people who have “picked me to death” throw stones at me and with each stone which is thrown, it feels like I am becoming less and less.
Fear consumes me; fear of more painful rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear of being punished, fear of being abandoned, and fear of being lost. My fear is the child of low self esteem who was conceived from the actions and words of unkind people.
All my life I have had to become less so certain people in my life could become more. Because, to them, to become more was to take away from someone else. You know that type.
So I struggle. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle to rid my thoughts of those horrible memories and to fill my mind only with that which is kind, and good, and true, and beautiful.
I must forgive. I must forgive my attackers and I must forgive myself. I am working on it. Sometimes, it is just so hard. So damn hard.
Now that I have told you my secret… I’m not sure if I can hit “Publish” — because it is so much easier to hide.
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BEAUTIFUL WORDS 
You are very brave to share this because it’s not an easy thing to do. I hide in front of my therapist (and everyone else) afraid to disappoint them. In order to heal you need to give those wounds some air and you’ve done that today.
Thank you Yves! It is hard and I too “hid” from my therapists because of my embarrassment of being being mentally ill (because of my mom’s and sibling’s embarrassment and rejection). I didn’t want my therapist to reject me too. Sounds crazy, I know – but that’s mental illness for you!
Hi Priceless Joy,
The people who took those chunks out of you also became less, not more. It’s a lose-lose interaction. Yes, forgive them, for your own peace of mind. But don’t go back for more. Forgiving by itself can’t heal a relationship. There must also be apology and change on the part of the one(s) who did things that required forgiveness. If that doesn’t happen, those relationships will remain broken. The best course of action, if possible, is to leave those relationships behind and form new and healthier ones. Not easy. I know from experience.
Thank you Lee. Your advice is very wise!
Glad to hear you are coming out of hiding through your blog!!! I have had panic attacks for years, they have continually decreased over the years but every once in a while I will get blind-sided with “biggie”. They are horrible, generally, only someone who has them understands but they do not have to rule you. Don’t believe lies about yourself, replace lies with truth. For me, Jesus is the way the truth and the life. You are not alone, there is hope…keep your words/thoughts coming.
Thank you fantastic betty! I appreciate your concern and advice! I wish you the best and hopefully, no more panic attacks! :o)
You have been attacked by many “energy vampires” and so have I. Did you know that they feel worse than you? they haven’t found the method to regenerate their life-force energy naturally, and they were probably taught that abuse creates energy. You seem like an empathic person, with a good heart. Unfortunately unless you shield your personal energy, others who feel like shit will be attracted to you. I went through this with people who were basically sociopaths, I wanted to “save” them. Anyways, I could write an entire book series on my experiences and realizations about this exact topic… anxiety/abuse/fear/forgiveness/healing. So I’ll try to keep this short, but just know that you are NOT alone. You WILL heal, as long as you forgive and love yourself. It’s not difficult, unless we *think* it is. Blessings and Light. Ari
Thank you for your words and advice, I really appreciate it! Also, thank you for reading and commenting on my blog.
I absolutely LOVED it! That was so well written, I felt every emotion in that.
Hope I can give you one of those boosts, by saying. Hey! You’re an amazing person! and I’m so glad for you in my life 🙂
You are so sweet! Thank you for such a nice comment! I am so glad you are in my life too! :o)
I know it’s hard to be open, but you’re not alone! So many people feel the same way, but are just too afraid to put it out there. Way to be brave.
Thank you! I appreciate you reading and commenting. 🙂