Serially Lost Part 2

Writing 101 Assignment: Serially Lost Part 2

Part 1 can be found HERE.

My depression became so severe that I had a psychotic break, where my mind lost touch with reality. I was taken to Albuquerque, NM to see a psychiatrist and I was in full-blown paranoid psychosis/depression. She had me hospitalized immediately in a mental health facility. I was placed in the restricted ward of this hospital so I could be watched more carefully. This is the ward that suicidal patients were placed. Surprisingly, there were quite a few patients in this ward.

My bed was in a large room which was shared with about seven other women. The first thing the nurses did was make me strip down so they can count and note all my scars. They take away all possessions, including shoe strings. I wasn’t allowed to have anything.

As soon as I finished my incoming check with the nurses, I started pacing, back and forth – back and forth. My mind was filled with extreme worry. It felt as though the entire world was on my shoulders. It was an extremely terrifying feeling.

After a time of pacing, one of the nurses on the ward joined me and began pacing with me. At first, she said nothing, just continued to pace with me. After awhile of our silent pacing, she asked me, “What is wrong?”

I replied to her, “I can’t tell you.”

Somehow, she was able to get me to sit down at a table with her. She asked me again, “What is wrong, please tell me what is wrong.”

I answered her with what I believed, “I can’t tell you. If I tell you it will come true.”

She responded, “No, it won’t come true. I promise it won’t come true.”

I knew I had a choice, to either trust her or not trust her. I had lost trust in everyone at this point but for some reason, my inner voice told me to trust her.

“It’s the end of the world.” I said with trepidation, hoping and praying that the roof of the hospital wouldn’t fall in for saying it.

She softly answered, “No. No, it’s not. It’s not the end of the world.”

I quickly realized the world didn’t end. At that moment, I finally began my long process of healing.

27 thoughts on “Serially Lost Part 2

  1. so wonderful that you can vulnerably share your experience to help others and let them know they are not alone and can survive!

  2. The world is good, this world the right place to be, as long as such terrible experiences can finally have such amazing results. You are a wonderful being, and, I believe, it was worth going through all that, in order to be reborn into the one that you are today – am I wrong??

    I personally well relate to your story – I have seen my daughter, my bright shine, going through that for a while, and you can imagine it wasn’t a joyful ride; she is currently going through her own divorce, and i hope that that psychotic episode is a thing of the past. After all, there IS healing, absolutely, as well as there IS hope. But the person should never give up, never stop working at oneself, like you show you did, like my daughter did. I am happy for who you are now.

    • Thank you for your kind comment. I believe I went through it because I needed to learn something. However, it was such a traumatic experience, I have PTSD from it. Yes, the good thing about it, it has made me who I am today. I am sorry to hear your daughter is having to experience divorce and psychotic breaks and I hope that she heals completely and finds much joy and happiness. As you say, we should never give up because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your comment.

  3. My psychiatrist explained to me that when we are having psychotic delusions and hearing or seeing things they are just actually thoughts that become scrambled up and come out the wrong way because our minds are racing so fast. Unfortunately, for some reason those thoughts usually seem to be bad and no one is sure why this is. I’m glad that talking to someone and being able to trust that nurse started your healing process. I was terrified in the hospital and thought everyone who worked there would hurt me. So, the very fact you didn’t think that way was a big step.

    • Thank you for explaining this Mandi. That is interesting what your psychiatrist said. I’m sorry you felt everyone at the hospital wanted to hurt you. The very first hospitalization I went to I felt like they were trying to kill me by giving me medicine, which I would refuse to take, and the shot, (which was forced on me), which helped me to sleep. That hospital stay was only about 3 days. The next hospitalization, which I wrote about in Serially Lost 2, I was in there for 2-3 weeks.

  4. I understand the psychotic depression, Joy, it can be a very frightening experience and even fills me with dread to think about it today… we think we are in control of our minds…mmm.

    • I know Cat. In this state of mind, it seems the depression and darkest part of our minds take over the control of our minds and we don’t have control of it anymore. It is extremely frightening. In fact, so much so, it gave me PTSD. The reason my online name is Priceless Joy is because of experiencing this horrible illness and how wonderful it feels to overcome it and to win the war – it is like, Priceless Joy. The name reminds me of that joy constantly.

      • It most certainly is priceless, Joy! Anytime I used to feel a bad bout of depression coming on, I would always be afraid it would end in some crazy things happening with my brain. Thankfully, it never did and I don’t seem to suffer the same depression, anyway. 🙂

        • Wow, that’s good to know that you aren’t in that “severe” depression where those darker thoughts take over because it is horrible. One of these days you will be able to call yourself PJ. LOL!! I wish I could feel that way 100% of the time, but at least it is a whole lot better. I personally have been able to see (through blogging) you getting much lighter, meaning you don’t take yourself so serious anymore, and you’re putting out more ‘joy’ to others.

  5. I hope you see how powerful this post is. I commend you for writing it unconditionally. It is raw, truthful,, insightful, and inspirational!
    It carries tons of hope too to those who may be in the same situation you were before.
    Priceless Joy,, you are a most generous and lovely person.
    Thanks for sharing your precious life story.

    • Thank you so much Lucile for such a wonderful comment! It isn’t easy to expose one’s past as I have but I feel if it helps anyone else that is experiencing this terrible illness, then it is worth me exposing my vulnerabilites. Thank you for the lovely thoughts and I do hope I will be able to live up to them. 😀 ((Hugs))

  6. Thanks for sharing your inner feelings. The writing down of it is also one of the healing paths. I also did not trust my doctor but one nurse helped me also to see light again without feeling afraid.

    • I’m sorry to hear you had to experience this or anything similar to this. I’m glad you were able to trust again and to heal! We are sisters through our experiences. 🙂

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