Victim Victim Fool Fool!

In non-functional families (I am trying to avoid using the term, “dysfunctional”), there is always at least one person that is in the victim role. Unfortunately, in my family, that would be me.

I grew up being the victim sometimes gracefully but most of the time, not so gracefully.

My personality is such that I automatically trust trusted people. I was stinkin' nice. Always believing in the “golden rule.” Treat people nice and they will treat you nice.

I spent my childhood being chased down the street by my sister with a butcher knife in her hand because I “borrowed” some of her clothes without asking. We fought constantly and often used our fists. She was selfish and self-centered, and I was always in the “survival” mode around her. For some reason, my mother thought this was okay.

I learned to avoid her as much as I possibly could. I learned that my mother would always take up for my sister – to her, she was perfect and I was the “problem” child. I stayed at my grandmother's as much as I possibly could.

With my sister's abuse and the emotional abuse from our father, our home was my nightmare.

In today's world, people think of victims as fools. We are fools because we are considered mindless and weak. (Maybe that is my problem, I am mindless and weak).

When I married I looked forward to being away from the place I was constantly being victimized. Finally! I would be loved, wanted, and needed, and would never again be a victim. What I found, however, is, I did not know any other way to be, but as a victim. When I divorced him, he victimized me even more.

As victims, our self esteem is destroyed and we learn to go inward with all of our emotions; our anger, our fears, and all of our emotional pain.

Because if we don't, again, we are considered weak and are victimized mor

That word, “victim” not only defined me, it chased me, it terrorized me, it abused me, and it threw me into the darkness of severe depression and mental illness. I fought it, I screamed, I kicked, I just wanted to die, but most of all I wanted to survive WITHOUT being a victim! But how? How does one stop being in the role of victim?

Love…maybe that is the answer! I will find someone who really does love me and will treat me with love and respect. I will find a man that will “adore” me and who I will adore. There is a problem with that. Soon you become the victim of gossip and wagging tongues. You are called a “whore”, a “bad” girl, a “hussy”, someone no right-minded good man would want.

For awhile alcohol seemed to do the trick. Alcohol “seemed” to keep me from being the victim. I didn't have to feel all the emotional pain of being victimized. There is a problem with that too. Soon, you become the victim of the alcohol.

I have learned, there is no shortage of victimizers. And, there are no shortage of victims. I have learned that victims are always human. Although many victimizers are humans, some victimizers are not always in “human” form. We can become victims of love, alcohol, drugs, money, greed, work, and you fill in the blank.

What there is a shortage of in this crazy and mixed up world is… kindness, love, and understanding. Until this world is filled with more people with these qualities, there will always be plenty of victims and victimizers.

This is our final day for the Zero to Hero Challenge. I have learned a lot from this challenge and am looking forward to future challenges to further my blogging skills. Thank you to all my readers and friends that have stuck with me through this challenge. I wish you all much success in all your future endeavors, as well as, in your blogging future.

 

Random Moments of Delight

ZerotoHero Challenge Day 24: In response to the challenge for today, I decided to add another blogging event to my blog. This is the second event that I have chosen.

If you are interested in joining this event, please click on the photo below.

Or, if you prefer, choose an event that you are interested in by visiting: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/ and go into Blogging Events.

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RANDOM MOMENTS OF DELIGHT

IMG_9326Start Date: Sunday, recurring weekly

Description: This challenge is about sharing moments of delight with each other each week. It could be a photograph, or a description; a video or a poem; a short story or essay, or a combination. Then link up here so we can share in each other’s happy moments.

The rules are simple:

1. In a new post share a treasured moment from your week and “illustrate” it with a photograph, description, poem, short prose, short video, whatever genre fits your moment. If it is visual (photo or video), please tell us why it was special to you.

2. Put a link back to my challenge that week so others may take part if they wish. If you’d like to use the badge, please do.

3. Please use the address of your POST, not your blog, in the linky. Be polite to others so we don’t have to look all over for your post.

The challenge begins on Sunday, but will stay open through Thursday, and a new one will begin the following Sunday. I chose Sunday to set us up for a wonderful week of looking for Random Moments of Delight!

Organizer: Firebonnet

Full Event Details

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Frankly, many of us have days that are filled with stress, disappointments, and the struggles we individually face each and every day. What a wonderful thing to stop and write a blog post about “delightful” things we encounter during the week? Maybe it sounds cheesy to some, but to me, it sounds like a refreshing break from the every day.

Now, to finish my zerotohero challenge for the day, I will visit other participants of the events I have chosen. I hope to see you participating with me!

I wish you much success in your writing and blogging.


Visit: http://dailypost.wordpress.com/ to find Blogging Events you are interested in


 

Roundup of Stars!

Day 23 of zerotohero challenge asks us to do a “roundup” of some of our favorite blogs. I think I have already been doing that lately, but I am eagerly ready to share some links to posts that that I have enjoyed reading. Hopefully, you will check them out and you will like them as much as I do.

Now, who doesn't love a “good ol' boy” redneck? I certainly do! After all, the word reckneck makes me think of a tough ol' guy that is harsh, determined, narrow minded, and satirically funny. In fact, the title of this post gave me the creeps, causing me to enter very cautiously into his post's dark chamber door. (Seriously, who wants to read a story about DEATH, for heaven's sake?!)

(Redneck) Death Notice from Imagine. How funny can you make a story about running from the “Grim Reaper,” while shopping in Walmart? You will find out when you read this beloved writer's story. Please, check it out!

Just in case I messed up on the link: http://wp.me/p1sIAL-Er

Next, I would like to introduce to you (just in case you haven't already been), the wonderful writing of Vic Briggs. I picked this post in particular because I really liked it! Cliche's/Avoid Them Like the Plague! We all know that cliche's are overused expressions, which frankly, many of us are fond of (me, included).

Just in case I messed up on the link: http://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/2014/11/30/cliches-avoid-them-like-the-plague/

By the way, if you are a “Hogwartsians” you can send her a message by owl.

Some writers know how to make this world a better place simply by the way they wonderfully craft their words. I think Lisa is one of those. I chose this post, because it is one of the MANY posts she writes that I have loved.

For Not Everyone, is from the blog, “Hey Sparky! What Time Is It? Through her words, she weaves the truth of God's love for us and through His love He shines His precious grace upon us.

In case I messed up on the link, http://heysparky.wordpress.com/2014/01/24/for-not-everyone/



If you haven't heard of the “Culture Monk”, check out his coffee cup wisdom of life in, Sometimes It's Not About What We Want…Really? Kenneth is on a one year journey to coffee houses throughout the world to share pictures, facts, and most of all, his wisdom with his readers. His insights and wise words are brilliant. In case I messed up on the link:

Next, I would like to introduce you to an excellent artist, writer, and photographer. Help! I Need a Caption is by the Forester Artist, who comes across a very strange sight in the middle of the woods.

His blog is filled with his awesome art, beautiful photographs and wonderful writing. Please check it out! In case I messed up on the link:

http://theforesterartist.com/2014/01/22/help-i-need-a-caption/

Do you ever feel like you just want to complain and need someone to complain to? Well here is your answer! Introducing, “The Struggle Bus from the blog, Bens Bitter Blog. He has a wonderful way of making bitter better! Please, check it out! In case I messed up on the link:

http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/2014/01/21/the-struggle-bus/




A blog that puts into words into how we feel about ourselves when we look in the mirror, “The Mirror is Not My Friend from the blog, Tales of a Slightly Stressed Mother. She examines how she finds all of her blemishes and unperfect self when she looks in the mirror. Who doesn't have insecurities about their looks? (I certainly do!)

In case I messed up on the link: http://srollinson7.wordpress.com/2014/01/22/the-mirror-is-not-my-friend/

Last, I would like to introduce, Feel Alive, Say Yes from the blog. This young writer is making an excellent path in his beginning journey of his blog, Werrrds. Please check it out! In case I messed up on the link:

 


http://wp.me/p4cUVI-6v

I hope you enjoy reading these blogs as much as I do. I wish you much success in your blogging journey!

 

The Secret

The news was devastating. My heart broke into a billion pieces and the blood began draining out of me, drip by agonizing drip.

Lies all lies! Horrible cruel lies!

My entire world came crashing down.

The monster raged into my world with his contemptuous claws, gripping my mind with such vengeance, it became impossible for me to escape. I was trapped; trapped in a terrifying abyss of unspeakable fear and egregious pain. This monster took my heart and ripped it out of my chest with such vengeance, the pain was unbearable. My mind became a chaotic mess of terrifying fear and excruciating pain. The vengeance unleashed on me was unbearable. There is only two words to explain this formidable monster. Hell, pure hell and abomination. Heinous and terrifying thoughts raced through my mind constantly, robbing me from any peace and from all precious sleep.

It had come true. My worst fear had come true.

DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN. NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN.

My mental illness raged inside of my mind, “I have a secret, a horrible terrifying secret that I can tell no one. Absolutely no one. Constantly pacing, “I have a secret. I cannot tell anyone. I have a secret. Desolation unspeakable horrifying desolation.”

The terror is indescribable. I could not escape it. And, there was no sleep nor no peace with this diabolical monster, only pacing…feverishly pacing just to contain this horrifying secret.

Pacing, continued pacing, up and down the hall while my mind was slowly being destroyed, bit by terrifying bit.

The nurse didn't say a single word, she just began pacing with me. Just the two of us, pacing up the hallway and pacing down the hallway. Back and forth. After quite some time of pacing and and without stopping, she quietly asked, “Will you sit down and talk with me?”

(NO! I CANNOT! I HAVE TO KEEP PACING! I MUST KEEP THIS SECRET!) “No.” I answered, “I cannot.”

Again, she gently asked,”Please… come sit with me.”

I sat down at the table with her, terrified and confused. She sat across from me, took one of my hands and calmly asked, “What's wrong?”

My fear was so overwhelming all I could do was whisper, “I cannot tell you.”

“Why can't you tell me?” she asked.

(How can I possibly tell her about this monster, this this..heinous monster, that is forcing me to keep this horrible secret? If I tell, this excruciating pain I am feeling and everything going on inside my head, will become real and be unleashed on others).

“I can't tell you. If I tell you it will come true.” (It was already true for me)

“No. No, it won't. It won't come true. I promise, it won't come true,” she assured me.

Something inside me told me, it was time. It was time to trust. It was time to expose this heinous monster.

Maybe it was her kindness, or her soft reassuring voice, or maybe it was because I knew she wanted to help me. I knew she knew the pain and terror I was in and wanted to help me out of it.

I fought back the tears. I fought back all the fear. I fought the monster. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I whispered, “It's the end of the world.”

“No it isn't,” she assured me. “It isn't the end of the world.”

I looked into her eyes, searching…are you sure? Can I believe you?

Yes.

At that very moment, I could feel…

my healing had begun.


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Day 27 of Zero to Hero Challenge. Our challenge for today was to revisit a post and rewrite it, or to visit one of our challenges from the past 27 days and improve on that.

I chose to rewrite this post because it is such a profound experience of my past, and basicially one of the reasons I am blogging.

My mental illness was caused from severe depression in combination with a chemical imbalance.

Mental illness exists and it happens to ordinary people. People need to have a better understanding of mental illness. Those who are suffering need to know they aren't alone and that healing is possible. They need to know it isn't hopeless. Families need to know their loved ones aren't hopeless.

We all need to know; there really is a light still shining inside all that darkness.