The news was devastating. My heart broke into a billion pieces and the blood began draining out of me, drip by agonizing drip.
Lies all lies! Horrible cruel lies!
My entire world came crashing down.
The monster raged into my world with his contemptuous claws, gripping my mind with such vengeance, it became impossible for me to escape. I was trapped; trapped in a terrifying abyss of unspeakable fear and egregious pain. This monster took my heart and ripped it out of my chest with such vengeance, the pain was unbearable. My mind became a chaotic mess of terrifying fear and excruciating pain. The vengeance unleashed on me was unbearable. There is only two words to explain this formidable monster. Hell, pure hell and abomination. Heinous and terrifying thoughts raced through my mind constantly, robbing me from any peace and from all precious sleep.
It had come true. My worst fear had come true.
DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN. NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN.
My mental illness raged inside of my mind, “I have a secret, a horrible terrifying secret that I can tell no one. Absolutely no one. Constantly pacing, “I have a secret. I cannot tell anyone. I have a secret. Desolation unspeakable horrifying desolation.”
The terror is indescribable. I could not escape it. And, there was no sleep nor no peace with this diabolical monster, only pacing…feverishly pacing just to contain this horrifying secret.
Pacing, continued pacing, up and down the hall while my mind was slowly being destroyed, bit by terrifying bit.
The nurse didn't say a single word, she just began pacing with me. Just the two of us, pacing up the hallway and pacing down the hallway. Back and forth. After quite some time of pacing and and without stopping, she quietly asked, “Will you sit down and talk with me?”
(NO! I CANNOT! I HAVE TO KEEP PACING! I MUST KEEP THIS SECRET!) “No.” I answered, “I cannot.”
Again, she gently asked,”Please… come sit with me.”
I sat down at the table with her, terrified and confused. She sat across from me, took one of my hands and calmly asked, “What's wrong?”
My fear was so overwhelming all I could do was whisper, “I cannot tell you.”
“Why can't you tell me?” she asked.
(How can I possibly tell her about this monster, this this..heinous monster, that is forcing me to keep this horrible secret? If I tell, this excruciating pain I am feeling and everything going on inside my head, will become real and be unleashed on others).
“I can't tell you. If I tell you it will come true.” (It was already true for me)
“No. No, it won't. It won't come true. I promise, it won't come true,” she assured me.
Something inside me told me, it was time. It was time to trust. It was time to expose this heinous monster.
Maybe it was her kindness, or her soft reassuring voice, or maybe it was because I knew she wanted to help me. I knew she knew the pain and terror I was in and wanted to help me out of it.
I fought back the tears. I fought back all the fear. I fought the monster. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I whispered, “It's the end of the world.”
“No it isn't,” she assured me. “It isn't the end of the world.”
I looked into her eyes, searching…are you sure? Can I believe you?
At that very moment, I could feel…
my healing had begun.
Day 27 of Zero to Hero Challenge. Our challenge for today was to revisit a post and rewrite it, or to visit one of our challenges from the past 27 days and improve on that.
I chose to rewrite this post because it is such a profound experience of my past, and basicially one of the reasons I am blogging.
My mental illness was caused from severe depression in combination with a chemical imbalance.
Mental illness exists and it happens to ordinary people. People need to have a better understanding of mental illness. Those who are suffering need to know they aren't alone and that healing is possible. They need to know it isn't hopeless. Families need to know their loved ones aren't hopeless.
We all need to know; there really is a light still shining inside all that darkness.