Nurturing Thursday

Every week, the lovely Becca Givens hosts, “Nurturing Thursday,” and is the author of the blog, “On Dragonfly Wings with Buttercup Tea.”

Today I have chosen to share this image for Nurturing Thursday.

This week, Utah, Becca’s Husky is very ill and I want to dedicate a post to him and to his speedy and complete recovery.

Everyone, have a wonderful and “nurturing” week.  Utah, please get well soon.  Our hearts are with you.

If you would like to join “Nurturing Thursday”, please click on this link:

https://beccagivens.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/nurturing-thurs-1-22-2015/

HappyHappy JoyJoy

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Happy Happy Joy Joy.”

The last time I cried tears of joy? Frankly, I don’t usually cry tears of joy, with the exception of the birth of my children. Those tears came each time I held my beautiful and healthy new baby in my arms. They were tears of joy mixed with tears of relief (the painful labor was over) and the wonderful result was lying in my arms.

I do remember crying tears of joy and relief when I realized the severe depression and paranoia I had been suffering with for years had finally lifted and I could, in fact, feel joy again. My depression had slowly consumed me. It felt as though I was in a pit and suddenly the bottom fell out.

I will never take feeling joy for granted. Not after what I went through. For a very long time I felt that I would never smile again, much less feel joy again.

Many people do not realize that those who suffer severe depression do not have the control to shut it off at their own will. It consumes you and takes control. It does not allow you to “just turn it off.” Particularly if it is caused by a chemical imbalance. In order to overcome it, it takes an enormous amount of work and the correct medication. I believe doctors have become better trained for mental illness and chemical imbalances and that medications have evolved to produce much more satisfying results than they did in years past.

This post is suppose to be about joy and not depression. But, how do you know what joy feels like if you do not also know the pain of sadness?

I can safely say, without a doubt, that true joy is priceless.

To each person reading this, I wish you a very Happy New Year and I wish you the best of everything wonderful.

Peace, Love, JOY and Hugs

PJ

New Blog Title!

For those of you who read and/or follow my blog will notice that today I have changed my blog title from “Bleeding my Emotions” to “Inspiring my Emotions.”

Having the title of “Bleeding my Emotions” made me feel I needed to keep my blog to more depressive type posts. In reality, I really want to try and stay away from bleeding heart posts. Although I still want to post more about my struggle OUT of mental illness in my future posts, I do want to keep it on a more positive light.

It is my hope that my new blog “direction” will enlighten, entertain, amuse, as well as, be endearing to you in the future. After all, you are the one who I write to in the first place. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Picture Credit to Pinterest

The Secret About Me

I am very adept at putting “normal” on my face and hiding my real self from most people. However, sometimes anxiety strikes me and I become overwhelmed with whatever it is that I am feeling overwhelmed about.

Why am I this way? This is how I feel…

It feels like so many people during my life have taken so many chunks of me that I am continually morphing into less of a person – mostly because the very same people that have taken those pieces, harshly judge me, causing me to feel that I am less – not worthy – and broken.

It feels like these particular people who have “picked me to death” throw stones at me and with each stone which is thrown, it feels like I am becoming less and less.

Fear consumes me; fear of more painful rejection, fear of making mistakes, fear of being punished, fear of being abandoned, and fear of being lost. My fear is the child of low self esteem who was conceived from the actions and words of unkind people.

All my life I have had to become less so certain people in my life could become more. Because, to them, to become more was to take away from someone else. You know that type.

So I struggle. I struggle with anxiety. I struggle to rid my thoughts of those horrible memories and to fill my mind only with that which is kind, and good, and true, and beautiful.

I must forgive. I must forgive my attackers and I must forgive myself. I am working on it. Sometimes, it is just so hard. So damn hard.

Now that I have told you my secret… I’m not sure if I can hit “Publish” — because it is so much easier to hide.

Pinterest Photo

Posted with Blogsy

Strangeville

I just finished reading a delightful book, titled, “Strangeville,” by Kenneth Tingle.

Young John has lost his parents to tragedy and finds himself alone and in a dead-end job. He is on his way to commit suicide but finds that he has to “take a crap” first. He worries that if he kills himself, this bodily function will automatically happen and all the creatures of the forest would then come and eat his body. So, he changes his mind and goes back home.

His aunt, who has not talked to him in ten years calls him and invites him to come stay with them. He is happy to take their offer and sets out on a road trip to their home.

Along the way, John becomes lost and ends up in a town called Strangeville. This town is something “somewhat” similar to the lost city of Atlantis. Except this town is not only “off the grid” but is frozen in time. The 1950's to be exact. And the residents have no idea there is an “outside world” out there very different from their own.

Strangeville has a strange and hilarious way of conquering John's desire to die.

All those hillbilly's and hicks in this novel will capture your heart and your imagination as you are taken on a trip through Strangeville – the “Twilight Zone.”

I give this book five stars because I loved every minute of it.

 

Posted with Blogsy

One of Those Days

Sometimes it isn't easy to fight against all the negativity that has come our way in our lifetime. There are days that all that negativity in my life bans together to gang up on me. Today is one of those days.

Do you ever feel like all the harsh words and wrongful deeds ever done to you and all the mistakes that you have made in the past, are all tumbling down on top of you? It sure feels like that to me today. I keep hearing all these negative and hurtful things being said to me and seeing all the mistakes that I have made.

I REFUSE TO LISTEN TO THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS!

Instead, I am allowing the sonshine to fill up my beautiful and tortured soul.

Picture from Pinterest. (Thank you Pinterest).

 

Posted with Blogsy

“Pity Party” Party Rules

Why is it that after a busy holiday season, Christmas and New Year's, there comes with it some sort of let down that puts me and a lot of other people into a depressive mood? Maybe because we are so tired, or because family has left, or there was no family there at all. Whatever, the reason, it is OKAY TO HAVE A PITY PARTY! Seriously! Who doesn't have one on occasions? So, I decided to post:

PITY PARTY PARTY RULES

1. Set a time limit. As for me, I set 15 minutes. I will tell myself that I can throw this pity party for 15 minutes. After the 15 minutes. ZAP IT! (Most of the time it works. Sometimes it doesn't. But it is always worth a try). Have a timer? Set it.

2. Invitation List: ME, MYSELF AND I. No one else is invited. (Private Party, Sorry).

3. Journal: It helps to write it out.

4. Entertainment: Sad songs or sad movies. If I let myself cry it out I always feel better. (I think it has some type of cleansing element to it).

5. Food: Chocolate! Lots of chocolate! (Or any food that makes you feel better – comfort food).

6. Psalms. Read Psalms from the Holy Bible. (It always helps me get out of a blues mood).

7. Enlightment: There is always someone that has it worse than you.

8. Service. Help someone else. It is a great way to feel better!

9. Call a friend. Sometimes we just simply need to vent.

10. Rest! Take a nap. (There is something healing about sleeping).

Well, my timer just went off. I think I will have another piece of chocolate!! 😀

The Secret

The news was devastating. My heart broke into a billion pieces and the blood began draining out of me, drip by agonizing drip.

Lies all lies! Horrible cruel lies!

My entire world came crashing down.

The monster raged into my world with his contemptuous claws, gripping my mind with such vengeance, it became impossible for me to escape. I was trapped; trapped in a terrifying abyss of unspeakable fear and egregious pain. This monster took my heart and ripped it out of my chest with such vengeance, the pain was unbearable. My mind became a chaotic mess of terrifying fear and excruciating pain. The vengeance unleashed on me was unbearable. There is only two words to explain this formidable monster. Hell, pure hell and abomination. Heinous and terrifying thoughts raced through my mind constantly, robbing me from any peace and from all precious sleep.

It had come true. My worst fear had come true.

DO NOT TRUST ANYONE. NEVER TRUST ANYONE AGAIN. NEVER LOVE ANYONE AGAIN.

My mental illness raged inside of my mind, “I have a secret, a horrible terrifying secret that I can tell no one. Absolutely no one. Constantly pacing, “I have a secret. I cannot tell anyone. I have a secret. Desolation unspeakable horrifying desolation.”

The terror is indescribable. I could not escape it. And, there was no sleep nor no peace with this diabolical monster, only pacing…feverishly pacing just to contain this horrifying secret.

Pacing, continued pacing, up and down the hall while my mind was slowly being destroyed, bit by terrifying bit.

The nurse didn't say a single word, she just began pacing with me. Just the two of us, pacing up the hallway and pacing down the hallway. Back and forth. After quite some time of pacing and and without stopping, she quietly asked, “Will you sit down and talk with me?”

(NO! I CANNOT! I HAVE TO KEEP PACING! I MUST KEEP THIS SECRET!) “No.” I answered, “I cannot.”

Again, she gently asked,”Please… come sit with me.”

I sat down at the table with her, terrified and confused. She sat across from me, took one of my hands and calmly asked, “What's wrong?”

My fear was so overwhelming all I could do was whisper, “I cannot tell you.”

“Why can't you tell me?” she asked.

(How can I possibly tell her about this monster, this this..heinous monster, that is forcing me to keep this horrible secret? If I tell, this excruciating pain I am feeling and everything going on inside my head, will become real and be unleashed on others).

“I can't tell you. If I tell you it will come true.” (It was already true for me)

“No. No, it won't. It won't come true. I promise, it won't come true,” she assured me.

Something inside me told me, it was time. It was time to trust. It was time to expose this heinous monster.

Maybe it was her kindness, or her soft reassuring voice, or maybe it was because I knew she wanted to help me. I knew she knew the pain and terror I was in and wanted to help me out of it.

I fought back the tears. I fought back all the fear. I fought the monster. I took a deep breath and as I exhaled, I whispered, “It's the end of the world.”

“No it isn't,” she assured me. “It isn't the end of the world.”

I looked into her eyes, searching…are you sure? Can I believe you?

Yes.

At that very moment, I could feel…

my healing had begun.

————————————————————————————-

Day 27 of Zero to Hero Challenge. Our challenge for today was to revisit a post and rewrite it, or to visit one of our challenges from the past 27 days and improve on that.

I chose to rewrite this post because it is such a profound experience of my past, and basicially one of the reasons I am blogging.

My mental illness was caused from severe depression in combination with a chemical imbalance.

Mental illness exists and it happens to ordinary people. People need to have a better understanding of mental illness. Those who are suffering need to know they aren't alone and that healing is possible. They need to know it isn't hopeless. Families need to know their loved ones aren't hopeless.

We all need to know; there really is a light still shining inside all that darkness.